I thought long and hard about things that I really want to learn. Apparently the list is quite lengthy, compiling artsy activities like sewing and drawing to the random one like screenwriting. Then, I look at the mirror and I instantly see the crumbs of baby biscuit in my home dress, my hair all tangled and skin so dull.. a sad-looking woman eyeing me back.
The pandemic has sunk me down into my lowest point.
I got pregnant during early pandemic and I was pretty much isolated inside my home almost all the time, with no assistant to help me taking care of the house or caring for my eldest. My pregnancy was quite difficult because I threw up and got dizzy all the time, I mostly crouched on my bed, felt sick and helpless. At that time, my aunt and her two sons (my cousins) passed away due to covid; it all happened in a week. I have always been a little bit paranoid, and this took me into another level of fear.
Even after I gave birth to a pretty little baby, the fear and stress never ceased. I am so tired, so frustrated. Nothing goes right. My house is such a messed up, I feel guilty that I sometimes disturb my husband during workhour because I need his help so bad, and my eldest protest that I don’t spend enough time with her. So, I run to my no.1 comfort source : food. Every time I feel horrific, I will go-food something sweet or fried. I never exercise and do not mention skincare routines, I totally abandon it. I’ve became this ugly, fat, and sad woman in her thirties. Not what I had imagined myself would be at this age.
So, the first thing I want to learn again is to TAKE CARE of myself. To LOVE myself once again. Be healthy, inside out.
To be honest, I am quiet clueless. What I did to love myself was usually related to fun things, doing my hobbies like traveling or watching Korean drama. It did make me happy but usually only in short-term period. When I have to go back to “work”, I feel exhausted even from the time I open my eyes in the morning. I feel my body aches all the time and it does affect my mood during the day. I know I can’t be like this. I know I have to change, I have to do something.
So, I think I will put exercising as my very first priority. I believe my less-energized body is also the cause of my stress. I often find myself want to do many things but end up too tired so I couldn’t finish what I start or what I plan. These unchecked plans sometimes made me feel uneasy. So, yes.. let’s do some exercising, even just for 15 minutes a day!
Then, I need to take care of my skin. You know, I like to buy skincare products but they usually end up untouched and expired after just first few attempts. Doing skincare routine is truly a heavy commitment for me, who usually just washing face at night. Forget nine-step Korean way, I think I’ll start from the easiest care: wearing sunscreen and deep cleansing. I’ll level up my skincare game after I successfully doing it religiously for at least 3 months.
I think that’s it. That’s the simplest start for me to LOVE myself. Doing baby steps to take care of myself. That’s maybe the easiest things for anybody else, but trust me, it’s not for me. Hopefully, I’ll write some good updates next time!